She told me that I had to look deep down into myself to find out who I really was.
My immediate reaction to her was
“How can I do that?”
“You have to meditate. You need to concentrate on your thoughts. It is important for you to find out what you really are. I know you can do it. You have the gift. I can see it in you.”
Should I believe her?
Everyone tells me I have the gift but it seems that I am the only one who doesn’t believe it.
I do not feel anything special in me.
All my life I just wanted it to be normal but it seems impossible.
Maybe she’s right after all she is a Witch.
I have to do something about it.
To find out who I really am.
I went into my room and prepared what I needed.
I lit the Lavender candle up and set it beside me.
I love the smell of Lavender maybe that would help me concentrate and also it reminded me of my Mother.
I sat down on the floor and took a deep breathe.
I was not ready for this but I am going to try.
“Let’s do this!” I mumbled.
Hopefully it works.
I closed my eyelids.
Wild thoughts were running in my mind.
Thoughts that were both disturbing and hurtful.
I blocked them.
I threw all my thoughts away so I could have an empty mind.
That Old Witch did told me to block all my unnecessary thoughts.
It was tougher than I thought. I couldn’t do it.
The smell of Lavender was strong and my nostrils were ticklish.
No… I couldn’t do it.
I was losing it.
I open my eyelids and stood up.
I blew the candle off.
This was a bad idea all along.
I should not had listen to that old Witch.
I can’t do it.
It was all a bluff.
I have no such gift.
I was filled with anger.
I am such a failure and I can’t do anything right.
I am a dissapointment to everyone.
I close my eyes shut and felt tears running down from my eyes.
All I want to know is who I really am.
I fall to my knees and started sobbing.
All of a sudeen I heard my Mother’s voice.
“Don’t cry my dear. It’s alright. It is going to be just fine. I will be right here.”
I desperately needed her right now. I wanted her touch and her comfort. I wanted her to be at my side so she could guide me in every step.
But she was gone.
My heart was aching.
I am going to try this once again and if it doesn’t work I am going to forget about all these things and start over.
I kissed my two fingers and lift up
to the sky and said “This is for you Mother.”
This time I was standing.
I closed my eyes and concentrated.
I looked deep down into myself.
Deeper, deeper and deeper.
There was nothing.
Nothing was in there.
I was vexed.
I felt angry.
I wanted to shout out loud at the gods for doing this to me.
I was filled with rage.
I wanted everything around me to burn.
I wanted to destory whatever was around me.
I have never felt this angry before.
I felt like the whole world around me was turning bright red.
Heat was buliding within me.
Something bright was rising up in me.
I opened my eyes to see that I was on Fire.
Written by: Riji